Why do bad things happen to good people? Hasn't everyone asked that question? God. I just don't get it. I can never seem to express my feelings to the right people. Shoot. I can never seem to express my feelings at all. I just write to the anonymous internet or in a paper no one ever reads. Why does it even matter?
What do you do when you're put in a situation that's crap. I was in a relationship for nine months and hated myself the last two of them. I didn't have real feelings for her, but I couldn't bear to hurt her. Finally, I knew I had to stop pretneding. And now? Well, I've cried several times today. I'm not generally a crier. But today I have been. I'm not even upset for me, I'm not hurt because of the break up itself, but because of the consequences the break uip has had on her.
She's a wonderful person. She didn't deserve to be hurt. But I had to do the right thing. I just wish I could make her not hate me. I'm so sorry.
I have nothing for you,
but you everything for me.
I can't accept from you,
what I can't return.
I'm sorry.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
A Life of Literature & My Bucket List (the connection between them will make sense, I promise)
My friend told me today at lunch that fiction is useless, that it serves no purpose. I, being a literature junkie, immediately shot into a slew of reasons of why he was wrong. The premise of his argument was built on the fact that since fiction was made up of fake stories you could never take away any real life lessons from them. This is obviously crazy.
To not learn about love from Romeo and Juliet? To not find solace in other's coming of age stories, be it Holden Caufield's or Charlie's. My life is practically based off these novels. The more I thought about it though, the more depressed I got. My life has literally been nothing more than a conglomeration of books, music, and tv for the past three years. Instead of creating my own experiences, I've been living vicariously through theirs'.
The more I thought about it the more I began to question life. What is the purpose of all this? What is moral? And why? My parents would say pleasing God. But where do I fall in that spectrum? On the low end, to say the least. My life so far has been nothing but sucking the experiences from what others have written or filmed.
While there is nothing wrong with being a geek like me, I do think there is something wrong with not living life. I mean, do you think JD Salinger spent his teenage years reading the work of others? Or did he spend time experiencing life to the fullest so he could go on to create his own work? I'm gonna say it's definitely the second. How do I plan to ever write about the human condition without ever experiencing it? I can't.
Now while I could definitely place blame for my lack of life in this dream-crushing soul-sucking town I live in, I feel at some point I have to take responsibility for myself and modify my behavior.
I avow from this day forward to stop being defined by literature but have my life be enhanced by that literature. One of the most important parts of English class reading is making personal connections to the material. So without further ado, here is my high school bucket list:
Item #1: Watch the sun rise from my roof. While this may seem ridiculous and hopelessly romantic it's something I've always wanted to do. I feel like the crisp air and quiet, broken only by the chirp of awaking birds, may be the most fulfilling experience I could ever ask for.
Item #2: Spend Halloween in a graveyard (with or without a Ouija board - to be determined). You can't live until you've experienced death; while I don't want any of my family or friends to die, I sure would enjoy spending the year's most haunted night in a cemetery with a few of them.
Item #3: Eat a meal with my best friends in a restaurant no one has ever heard of (and make it a regular thing to do so). I want my own Central Perk. Enough said.
Item #4 : Write something that changes a person's live. I don't care if it's essay, poem, short story, blog, just something that reaffirms that my dream of writing isn't futile.
Item #5: Sneak out. It is silly and juvenile, but the thrill of my parents not knowing where I am, or even knowing I'm gone sounds riveting.
Item #6: Finally learn to play the piano. It's been a life long struggle. I don't want to talk about it.
and last, but not least by any means:
Item #6: Convince the governor of Indiana to legalize same sex marriage. I don't know how, and I will probably need a lot of help, but love is love. I want to live somewhere where that that sentiment will not just be a doormat, but where it will be made the standard for all.
I'm sure I'll think of more, but as of now that's all. Wish me luck.
To not learn about love from Romeo and Juliet? To not find solace in other's coming of age stories, be it Holden Caufield's or Charlie's. My life is practically based off these novels. The more I thought about it though, the more depressed I got. My life has literally been nothing more than a conglomeration of books, music, and tv for the past three years. Instead of creating my own experiences, I've been living vicariously through theirs'.
The more I thought about it the more I began to question life. What is the purpose of all this? What is moral? And why? My parents would say pleasing God. But where do I fall in that spectrum? On the low end, to say the least. My life so far has been nothing but sucking the experiences from what others have written or filmed.
While there is nothing wrong with being a geek like me, I do think there is something wrong with not living life. I mean, do you think JD Salinger spent his teenage years reading the work of others? Or did he spend time experiencing life to the fullest so he could go on to create his own work? I'm gonna say it's definitely the second. How do I plan to ever write about the human condition without ever experiencing it? I can't.
Now while I could definitely place blame for my lack of life in this dream-crushing soul-sucking town I live in, I feel at some point I have to take responsibility for myself and modify my behavior.
I avow from this day forward to stop being defined by literature but have my life be enhanced by that literature. One of the most important parts of English class reading is making personal connections to the material. So without further ado, here is my high school bucket list:
Item #1: Watch the sun rise from my roof. While this may seem ridiculous and hopelessly romantic it's something I've always wanted to do. I feel like the crisp air and quiet, broken only by the chirp of awaking birds, may be the most fulfilling experience I could ever ask for.
Item #2: Spend Halloween in a graveyard (with or without a Ouija board - to be determined). You can't live until you've experienced death; while I don't want any of my family or friends to die, I sure would enjoy spending the year's most haunted night in a cemetery with a few of them.
Item #3: Eat a meal with my best friends in a restaurant no one has ever heard of (and make it a regular thing to do so). I want my own Central Perk. Enough said.
Item #4 : Write something that changes a person's live. I don't care if it's essay, poem, short story, blog, just something that reaffirms that my dream of writing isn't futile.
Item #5: Sneak out. It is silly and juvenile, but the thrill of my parents not knowing where I am, or even knowing I'm gone sounds riveting.
Item #6: Finally learn to play the piano. It's been a life long struggle. I don't want to talk about it.
and last, but not least by any means:
Item #6: Convince the governor of Indiana to legalize same sex marriage. I don't know how, and I will probably need a lot of help, but love is love. I want to live somewhere where that that sentiment will not just be a doormat, but where it will be made the standard for all.
I'm sure I'll think of more, but as of now that's all. Wish me luck.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Defying Gravity
Some people say high school will be the best years of my life. If this true, I may as well kill myself now. I hope on everything that my life gets better than it is now. That's what college is for, right? Or is it?
I hear the term "the college experience" quite a bit. But what exactly is that? Is college a time to prepare for your career? Or a time to prepare for your life? Is it a time to party and be drunk? Or a time to study and work toward a goal? Or can it be all of these?
I want to go to NYU. New York is where I long to be. But it's a long way away from rural Evansville, Indiana. My parents tell me to quit dreaming. But isn't that what college is supposed to be? A time to find our dreams and make them reality? A time to take everything we have ever wanted and turn it into what we have?
The college experience for me is a time find out who I am. I don't think I can do that where I am. I feel stuck. I don't want to be here. I have a year and a half left of high school, then what? Can I go realize my dreams? Or should I be more realistic and stay here in good ol' Indiana with my mommy?
Why is it when we're little our parents tell us to dream big but when it comes time to find those dreams they tell us to stay home? I just want to move to New York and find my best friend waiting for me there. But what if she decides her dream isn't good enough to act on? That's a possibility at the moment. I hope we can find with in ourselves to fight the critics and take what we've wanted our whole lives. It's time to say no to the nay-sayers, it's time to defy gravity. I'll fight my way to City alone if I have to. But when I make it to New York at the school of my dreams, I'll be glad I fought for my dream. What else is there to fight for?
I hear the term "the college experience" quite a bit. But what exactly is that? Is college a time to prepare for your career? Or a time to prepare for your life? Is it a time to party and be drunk? Or a time to study and work toward a goal? Or can it be all of these?
I want to go to NYU. New York is where I long to be. But it's a long way away from rural Evansville, Indiana. My parents tell me to quit dreaming. But isn't that what college is supposed to be? A time to find our dreams and make them reality? A time to take everything we have ever wanted and turn it into what we have?
The college experience for me is a time find out who I am. I don't think I can do that where I am. I feel stuck. I don't want to be here. I have a year and a half left of high school, then what? Can I go realize my dreams? Or should I be more realistic and stay here in good ol' Indiana with my mommy?
Why is it when we're little our parents tell us to dream big but when it comes time to find those dreams they tell us to stay home? I just want to move to New York and find my best friend waiting for me there. But what if she decides her dream isn't good enough to act on? That's a possibility at the moment. I hope we can find with in ourselves to fight the critics and take what we've wanted our whole lives. It's time to say no to the nay-sayers, it's time to defy gravity. I'll fight my way to City alone if I have to. But when I make it to New York at the school of my dreams, I'll be glad I fought for my dream. What else is there to fight for?
An Introduction to my Observation
People blog for so many reasons, I sometimes ask my self what the purpose and definition of ablog is: Cooking? Family care? Arts & crafts? Photography? Pets? I often find my self saying, who really gives a crap about your dog? But then I realize my previous blog was all self-written quasi-emo suicidal catharsis. How can I be so hypocritical of what others are doing when I was essentially doing the same thing in a different format?
I had an English teacher tell me once that all blogs should have a "theme" so before you venture any further into my latest work I feel it is necessary to give you an idea of my theme.
My theme is my life. An observance of all things important to me and hopefully you can relate them to your own. If not, then perhaps you just want to read about my life. If you aren't thrilled with either of those options, then I am sorry to have wasted your time with my first two paragraphs, and I hope you enjoy the rest of your night. If you think my loss-of-innocence coming-of-age not so dramatic high school drama may serve as some distraction to your own story or maybe as some inspiration while delving into your own story, then stay tuned for more!
I had an English teacher tell me once that all blogs should have a "theme" so before you venture any further into my latest work I feel it is necessary to give you an idea of my theme.
My theme is my life. An observance of all things important to me and hopefully you can relate them to your own. If not, then perhaps you just want to read about my life. If you aren't thrilled with either of those options, then I am sorry to have wasted your time with my first two paragraphs, and I hope you enjoy the rest of your night. If you think my loss-of-innocence coming-of-age not so dramatic high school drama may serve as some distraction to your own story or maybe as some inspiration while delving into your own story, then stay tuned for more!
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